Believing What You Read
June 18, 2009
The daily news can be a devastating read. The media may or may not reflect the mainstream, hopefully it doesn't. I sometimes cut out stories that speak to the issues raised in my book, Silver Platter Girl. As a collection, these stories begin to weave a tapestry of challenges to consider as we work to make our society safer and more conducive to healing.
A young woman writes to Dear Abby. At age 15, she was raped by a family friend. She told her parents. The perpetrator was arrested and DNA tests confirmed his identity. A few days before the court proceedings, he committed suicide. His family blames the young girl for his death saying she was trying to ruin his life. People ask her if she is relieved that he killed himself. She signs her letter, "Blaming Myself".
This is a perfect example of the complexities of "telling", even when it is entirely clear that it is the right thing to do, as in this case. A woman who does not keep the secret as it is intended by the abuser must be dedicated to the truth, strong in her resolve, and willing to stand up to those who do not benefit from the truth telling. Most commonly, she must be prepared to be questioned as to her integrity. The parents of the abuser in the Dear Abby case, by saying that they blame the victim for their son's death, are really saying that the victim is somehow untruthful or not entitled to the comfort and validation of the truth. They are implying that she is a liar, even in the face of irrefutable evidence to the contrary. It often makes no sense, defies logic, and yet continues to be thrown out like a major league pitcher's slider, looking for sure like it is going one direction and then out of nowhere ending up somewhere else, leaving the batter scratching his head.
On a Friday, the headline reads "Educator Quits Amid Exploitation Inquiry". This is the story of an assistant principal. A 17 year old student's cell phone was confiscated when she was found talking on it to the assistant principal during school hours, a rules violation. The call and text message logs confirmed numerous text messages between the two including a pair of explicit photos. The log showed the assistant principal thanking her for sending the photos and asking if she had "anything else". The girl sent him a photo of a couple having sex and he responded "nice" and "what else". When questioned, he refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing and stated, when asked, that he "conveniently" lost his cell phone that day. He said the relationship began several months ago when she came to talk to him about family issues. He states that he repeatedly told the girl to stay away from him but she persisted. The police are looking into whether charges should be brought against the girl as well saying it is a crime to send and receive what she sent so she actually did commit a crime. The assistant principal has resigned.
Or take the case of the pastor arrested for suspicion of using his position to sexually assault troubled women during counseling sessions. This is a reminder of the Catholic Church sexual abuse scandal when priests used their position of authority and trust to seduce and destroy young Catholic children. In many cases the priests involved denied their wrongdoing, calling the children liars, an all too common response from abusers who are known and trusted by the family. After all, who would believe a young child over the word of the parish priest. One woman said she went to her priest at age 14, upset over her parents' divorce and the discovery that her father was having an affair. The priest told her he would "become her dad". Over the next 13 years, he molested her as part of a "healing process". She saw him as a "saint" and he controlled her life until she turned 27. She attended one of the Church's healing masses because it made her feel like the Church finally believed her.
I am embarrassed to say that I questioned myself as to whether I should even publish this blog today. These stories have become such old news that people don't really seem to want to hear them anymore. I considered that if I begin harping on these daily injustices to children and women, people may not be interested in my book, labeling me a crazy crusader. But when I see these stories in print, relegated to small columns buried in the back pages of the local section, I feel compelled to speak about them so that one day maybe they will be reported and perceived more thoughtfully. Each one of these events is a mark on the soul of a child or a woman that will carry significant consequences throughout their lives. Healing comes only with support and validation and a clear understanding of who is responsible. Since child sexual abuse so often is committed by a family member or trusted friend, it is remarkably difficult for a child to disclose under those circumstances.
It is a huge job to change the way we view these kinds of crimes. Imagine a world in which the victim is empowered to say no because he or she has been educated enough to know it is a realistic choice. Imagine a world where it is safe to tell. Imagine a world where we help each other heal in those cases where violence or force is used and we cannot say no, where we tell because we know we will be cared for in so doing. This is the world I envision, a world where the perpetrators think twice, because they can no longer assume the secret will be kept or that they will not be held responsible. Some say this is an unrealistic dream that cannot be reasonably realized. And I say that we help people one at a time. Who knows? One today, twenty tomorrow, a thousand next week. Worth it? Hell, yes. I'm the Silver Platter Girl. And I think I will keep talking.
SPG
On a Friday, the headline reads "Educator Quits Amid Exploitation Inquiry". This is the story of an assistant principal. A 17 year old student's cell phone was confiscated when she was found talking on it to the assistant principal during school hours, a rules violation. The call and text message logs confirmed numerous text messages between the two including a pair of explicit photos. The log showed the assistant principal thanking her for sending the photos and asking if she had "anything else". The girl sent him a photo of a couple having sex and he responded "nice" and "what else". When questioned, he refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing and stated, when asked, that he "conveniently" lost his cell phone that day. He said the relationship began several months ago when she came to talk to him about family issues. He states that he repeatedly told the girl to stay away from him but she persisted. The police are looking into whether charges should be brought against the girl as well saying it is a crime to send and receive what she sent so she actually did commit a crime. The assistant principal has resigned.
Or take the case of the pastor arrested for suspicion of using his position to sexually assault troubled women during counseling sessions. This is a reminder of the Catholic Church sexual abuse scandal when priests used their position of authority and trust to seduce and destroy young Catholic children. In many cases the priests involved denied their wrongdoing, calling the children liars, an all too common response from abusers who are known and trusted by the family. After all, who would believe a young child over the word of the parish priest. One woman said she went to her priest at age 14, upset over her parents' divorce and the discovery that her father was having an affair. The priest told her he would "become her dad". Over the next 13 years, he molested her as part of a "healing process". She saw him as a "saint" and he controlled her life until she turned 27. She attended one of the Church's healing masses because it made her feel like the Church finally believed her.
I am embarrassed to say that I questioned myself as to whether I should even publish this blog today. These stories have become such old news that people don't really seem to want to hear them anymore. I considered that if I begin harping on these daily injustices to children and women, people may not be interested in my book, labeling me a crazy crusader. But when I see these stories in print, relegated to small columns buried in the back pages of the local section, I feel compelled to speak about them so that one day maybe they will be reported and perceived more thoughtfully. Each one of these events is a mark on the soul of a child or a woman that will carry significant consequences throughout their lives. Healing comes only with support and validation and a clear understanding of who is responsible. Since child sexual abuse so often is committed by a family member or trusted friend, it is remarkably difficult for a child to disclose under those circumstances.
It is a huge job to change the way we view these kinds of crimes. Imagine a world in which the victim is empowered to say no because he or she has been educated enough to know it is a realistic choice. Imagine a world where it is safe to tell. Imagine a world where we help each other heal in those cases where violence or force is used and we cannot say no, where we tell because we know we will be cared for in so doing. This is the world I envision, a world where the perpetrators think twice, because they can no longer assume the secret will be kept or that they will not be held responsible. Some say this is an unrealistic dream that cannot be reasonably realized. And I say that we help people one at a time. Who knows? One today, twenty tomorrow, a thousand next week. Worth it? Hell, yes. I'm the Silver Platter Girl. And I think I will keep talking.
SPG
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